Thursday, 19 August 2010
Plus ça change, Plus c'est la même chose
Not sure what I’m supposed to be feeling lately. Everything changes but I don’t seem to. I’ve been rather happy lately thanks to a certain young lady but at the same time I’ve still been rather miserable and I don’t know why. Miserable isn’t the right word. More sort of numb, but not properly numb. It’s tough to describe. The more I want to go towards the happy feeling the more my defences kick in and try to make me retreat to safety. Trying to keep me inside my hard won buffer zone wrapped in emotional cotton wool. Its only when I’m alone though. With her I have more enthusiasm and pep and I’m happy. When im alone I return to my default state. I’m lazy and apathetic and I question everything I was feeling before. There’s some fucked up part of my brain that doesn’t want me to be happy it seems and wants me to think that other stuff isn’t real. Its only early days and I expect and hope my state will change but it plays on my mind. I guess im just so used to my way of life, so well adapted to it at this point, that im afraid that if I change up and things fall apart then it’ll be too hard to go back. Mustn’t be afraid to change. Change is good
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As time goes on it's easier to accept that you can be happy without the fear that it's going to go 'HA! Comfy are we? Get shafted!'. I was very much like that when I got together with a certain tall bellend. It passes. (mostly, anyway, I think everyone feels like that a bit forever.)
ReplyDeleteYay for lady friend :)
Haha, he is a bellend isnt he ; )
ReplyDeleteSlowly slowy hun, you'll get there. I know it's hard and it's scary but the scariest things have the biggest rewards. I'm a stubborn cow, and I'm not going anywhere so I wont let you reatreat too much. Losing all defences is never a good thing however, in any relationship I think you need to know that if you had to you could survive without the other person, if you can't it's just dependency and that's not healthy. Just don't let them rule you. Sit tight, the more you feel happy, the more your brain will gradually start to change, it'll take time, but fortunately but have plenty of that :-).
ReplyDeleteS.C.
I totally know what you mean! Sometimes I think you've been cloned from me! I think we over-think and pick at happiness because its so absurd in a way to be happy. We can blame the world when we are miserable but when we are happy and it falls to pieces we will have no one to blame but ourselves. But, change is good!
ReplyDeleteI'm so deep. Like an ocean.