Written in 2016, published 2018

Why is it some people always manage to make the right decision? I hate those people. I hate decisions. Most of the time I feel like no matter what decision I make it's going to be wrong somehow. Whether its what to eat, where to work or where to live. In one way or another it'll be wrong. Intellectually I know every decision has its pro's and it's cons and you make the best decision you can with the information you've got and you try to find the balance etc.

It's because I made a horrible decision once. A decision of total and utter selfishness which hurt somone else very badly. I made that decision for a lot of reasons and at the time I believed they were all correct and thinking back I still believe that. And yet it weighs on me every day and it cripples my ability to make decisions. I took the choice away from someone and ever since then I've not been able to properly make decisions, like I don't deserve to be trusted. Really I'm scared and I'm so insecure its pathetic. I should probably forgive myself but I just cant seem to do it.

Trust

What is it that really hurts when someone breaks your trust? What is trust? Its saying to someone "You have the power to hurt me if you want to. Please don't". To give away that power is so personal and so risky that it seems crazy that anyone would do it. But it's the only way that you can have a chance of feeling truly connected to another person. You give each other that power and you both try not to use it. Then one of you does, and you question why you ever took that risk. Some people react to that like they would when burning a hand. Recoil, withdraw, shout, soothe the pain and then you try to never do it again. Wrap your hand in a thick towel so you never have to feel that burn again. Not me. I will not recoil. I will not hide from the heat. It burns now but it won't always. I won't let it control or define me. I won't let it change me unless it's for the better.
Why take the risk? Because its worth it.

....and we're back.

I feel like I’ve been asleep for a long time. Not actual sleep, haven’t had enough of that in years. The me who I think I am when I picture myself. The guy who used to write on here. I’ve been sleeping, I’ve been comfortable, I’ve been content and I've been lazy. But comfort is the enemy of progress and things are about to get very uncomfortable, so now I’m awake. I am fucking well wide awake.