Basic Instinct

Is it always the best thing to go with your instincts? Your instincts often reveal your true nature and if I look at the things my instincts compel me to do then I have to admit that I’m a tool and my instincts are shit and have frankly been holding me back for a long time.

Today someone made a rather ordinary innocuous statement about how rubbish their day was. My first instinct was to crack a joke at their expense. A fairly crude one at that. I came within an inch of doing so but paused and thought about it. Even though I thought it was a pretty funny thing to say, was it worth it? I decided no and replied empathetically instead which lead to a further discussion and an attempt at sharing and solving the problems. A better outcome for everyone overall. All because I didn’t follow my instinct to be a tit.

I now find myself thinking how many times in the past have I given in to this compulsion to amuse myself and ended up damaging my relationships with others. Or if not damaging them then at least not moving them forward and reinforcing their image of me as someone not to be taken seriously. There’s nothing I can do about that now and I have no intention of dwelling on or regretting my actions. I’ll probably still do the same thing in the future because its automatic now. Its just how I work. But every now and then I hope I’ll be smart enough to stop and think about my words and make a better choice for myself.

Also I still havent found a font that I like on here,

Communication Problems

I’ve never been a great communicator. Anyone whose spent a fair amount of time with me knows that a bit (or a lot) of silence is par for the course. Its not that I’m not a big talker, under the right circumstances its tough to shut me up. My problem is though that I'm usually only thinking about the current moment. I’m taking in my surroundings and not really thinking about anything else, so unless there’s something immediate which grabs my attention and stimulates me then it’s pretty much up to the people around me to generate conversation. I sometimes wonder how this appears to the person I’m talking to and I imagine it makes for a bit of hard work.
Do you ever hold imaginary conversations with someone in your head? Try to plan out what you want to say and how you want to say it. I do that a fair bit, but it never really works out. Sometimes its because of a response I didn’t expect which takes the conversation down an unplanned tangent but more often its because somewhere between my brain and my mouth the words are all re-written by a retard who must live in my nose. In my head I’m smart, funny and suave, like James Bond crossed with Woody Allen. When I actually speak it sounds to me more like Homer Simpson meets Rocky Balboa. Its not a constant problem, it pretty much depends on who I’m with. The more comfortable I am the more fluid I become. Which brings me to my last problem.
I’ve always been a very shy person. When presented with new people, especially women, I do get terribly nervous. Its getting easier as I get older, age brings a certain level of automatic confidence with it, but I can still remember being the painfully shy practically mute young man that I was. Its how I’ve been since I was a small child. I never really got a lot of practice in talking to people and getting to know people. I’ve always found it to be an uphill struggle, so much so that I tend to not bother. Do you know the phrase “A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet” Well my motto has always been “A stranger is just a stranger so why the fuck should I care?” Well I’ve decided that’s not a great attitude to have so when I next have the chance to meet a stranger and make a friend of them I’ll give it a go. Practice makes perfect.

Stay Frosty.

So Yeah...

It seems I worried a couple of people with that first post. I suppose this kind of thing is a bit out of character for me and I know that I’ve always played my cards close to my chest on personal issues like this so some people might be a bit surprised to hear me banging on about loneliness and abandoning hope. All I was doing is trying to describe how it feels to be lonely sometimes, rest assured that I am not trapped in some never ending depressive funk. Its not a recent thing by any means but its just something that happens. It’s a part of my life and so a part of me. It hasn’t always been this way and it wont last forever. I didnt want people to worry about me but i guess I did want to draw some attention, I realised that I cant complain about not being understood and not having my feelings considered if i never tell anybody what I'm feeling. Not that I'm really looking to complain either, I guess I just want people to know. Everyone gets lonely, loneliness is a horrendous thing but its something that nobody really talks about so I figure I’ll give it a go as and when the mood strikes me.

Keep watching the skies citizens.

Confession of a Lonely Man

I am a liar. I lie to everyone I meet everyday

I don’t really understand who I am, where I’m going or why I do the things that I do at any point. At my best I live in a state of hope, at my worst I have no hope at all to hold on to. I rarely exist in-between. Neither state has any true substance nor holds any comfort. Both are a struggle, one to maintain and one to escape from.

I have never known love. Nobody chooses me. I ask myself why this is my life and I don’t have an answer and that makes it feel worse. It makes me think there’s something wrong with me that I can’t understand. Its beyond my reach and so I cant fix it and I will always be this way. That is the loss of hope and it’s a black hole from which there is no escape.

Fear holds me captive at all times. Fear is the only real reason to ever not do something, and I do a whole lot of nothing. There are so many options with so much potential and when I compare the choices I’ve made with the choices I refused to make I feel like the worlds biggest coward. I am a master of justification and shit house excuses. Reason and logic are shields to hide me from the feelings I just don’t know how to grasp. I am a 24 year old lost child too stubborn and afraid to ask for help.

This is not a self pitying diatribe nor is it a cry for help or a request for sympathy. It is a cleansing of my soul, an expulsion of my demons and a real step beyond simply hoping and towards achieving. I am searching for a new way of being which will work for me and this is an important part of it. I can’t lie anymore. Its time to let go of what I was and find out what I am, even though it scares the shit out of me.

Bravery is not being unafraid. It is being very very afraid and carrying on regardless.

This post was inspired by my friend Ray Warner. The bravest man I know.