Fear and Nihilism in My Living Room

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, though it’s mostly not been about myself. I’ve been thinking about someone else, someone who by all logic shouldn’t be around for me to think about, and that got me thinking about myself and how I can do better and be more honest about whats in my mind.
At the root of all of this crap posted below is just fear. Its why I’m lonely, its why I’m unhappy and its what holds me back every day from doing the things I’d want to do. So what am I afraid of?
I’m afraid of rejection and being hurt so I don’t get close to people. Nothing wildly original there.
I remember when my parents broke up, it was a horrendously traumatic time for me. I still feel the pain of crying and screaming down the phone for to my mother, begging her to come back, but she wouldn’t. I guess I took it personally. You cant tell a child that its not about them, its not their fault, its more complicated blah blah. There were a lot of days like that and that stuck with me. I’m 24 and that still hurts.

I’m afraid of being dependent on people. During that same period my Dad was not able to cope. Already crippled by depression he fell apart and became an alcoholic to boot. I assumed responsibility for him. He didn’t make it easy and he also made sure I’d never forget about him or leave him. Phrases like “If you leave I’ll burn the house down” and “I’d be dead without you” still run through my head sometimes, as do attention grabbing stunts like trying to hang himself on the stairs or slitting his wrists. It was a few years before he pulled himself together enough to survive on his own. Now I have this need to be needed, but at the same time I’m so disgusted by the idea of assuming responsibility for someone again that I’ll avoid any risk of getting in to that situation. Also I refuse to put other people in situations where they might feel some kind of responsibility for me. I’d rather always stand alone than risk becoming weak like that.

You know what though, there’s a side of me that doesn’t give a shit about any of that. A cold unpleasant side that says it doesn’t matter, it may as well have never happened, it doesn’t even exist outside of your mind. It’s not real and neither are you. Most days it’s that guy that fucks me up. Its not angsty fear of rejection that keeps me welded to the spot both physically and emotionally. It’s an honest belief that none of it matters. In the big picture view I just don’t matter. When all this is dust what the fuck will it have mattered that some fat arsehole had a bit of a shit childhood. Why should I bother? What will I achieve. Does the whole concept of achievement even exist if you don’t assign it value first? Fuck. I’m going to make an effort to stop that train of thought before it ruins me for the next few days. Nihilism is like quick sand, the more you struggle the worse you make it because in that state of mind every action you take to improve, for want of a better term, your mental state is already void.
I wont go through it all but that line of thought always brings me back to the idea that I cant really know anything for certain, its all just guesswork and assumption somewhere down the line and I don’t like that. It makes me wish I could embrace blind faith. It seems so comforting. I can understand why religion is so popular on this rock. Could you imagine a world full of over thinking philosophers picking over every detail of everything? At least in religion you can have a sing now and then and go to sleep with sense of hope.
How the fuck did I get on to religion? This blog is terminated for the crime of going nowhere.