Plus ça change, Plus c'est la même chose

Not sure what I’m supposed to be feeling lately. Everything changes but I don’t seem to. I’ve been rather happy lately thanks to a certain young lady but at the same time I’ve still been rather miserable and I don’t know why. Miserable isn’t the right word. More sort of numb, but not properly numb. It’s tough to describe. The more I want to go towards the happy feeling the more my defences kick in and try to make me retreat to safety. Trying to keep me inside my hard won buffer zone wrapped in emotional cotton wool. Its only when I’m alone though. With her I have more enthusiasm and pep and I’m happy. When im alone I return to my default state. I’m lazy and apathetic and I question everything I was feeling before. There’s some fucked up part of my brain that doesn’t want me to be happy it seems and wants me to think that other stuff isn’t real. Its only early days and I expect and hope my state will change but it plays on my mind. I guess im just so used to my way of life, so well adapted to it at this point, that im afraid that if I change up and things fall apart then it’ll be too hard to go back. Mustn’t be afraid to change. Change is good