Confession of a Lonely Man

I am a liar. I lie to everyone I meet everyday

I don’t really understand who I am, where I’m going or why I do the things that I do at any point. At my best I live in a state of hope, at my worst I have no hope at all to hold on to. I rarely exist in-between. Neither state has any true substance nor holds any comfort. Both are a struggle, one to maintain and one to escape from.

I have never known love. Nobody chooses me. I ask myself why this is my life and I don’t have an answer and that makes it feel worse. It makes me think there’s something wrong with me that I can’t understand. Its beyond my reach and so I cant fix it and I will always be this way. That is the loss of hope and it’s a black hole from which there is no escape.

Fear holds me captive at all times. Fear is the only real reason to ever not do something, and I do a whole lot of nothing. There are so many options with so much potential and when I compare the choices I’ve made with the choices I refused to make I feel like the worlds biggest coward. I am a master of justification and shit house excuses. Reason and logic are shields to hide me from the feelings I just don’t know how to grasp. I am a 24 year old lost child too stubborn and afraid to ask for help.

This is not a self pitying diatribe nor is it a cry for help or a request for sympathy. It is a cleansing of my soul, an expulsion of my demons and a real step beyond simply hoping and towards achieving. I am searching for a new way of being which will work for me and this is an important part of it. I can’t lie anymore. Its time to let go of what I was and find out what I am, even though it scares the shit out of me.

Bravery is not being unafraid. It is being very very afraid and carrying on regardless.

This post was inspired by my friend Ray Warner. The bravest man I know.